Hi Haters...

Hi "Friends",

Well, now I know and I learned the hard way... everybody is not my "friend". A concept that I have shared with many of my English students and Queendom queens... I naively and foolishly have to admit that I thought all of the pageant world who smiled at me were my "friends"...

As I stated on Facebook, prior to taking down all of my photos and personal information/interests, I was enlightened by a friend that I have been the talk of the "message boards"... a website where it seems beauty queens anonymously talk about other queens... a breeding ground for negativity... a website that I cannot even find...

So what, you ask? I have never encountered anything so foolish outside of my 9th grade classroom, that's what!

Pageantry was suggested to me by a friend to open the door to getting others to hear my message: sexual abuse is a worldwide, common and damaging issue. Thus far, I perceived pageantry to work. Not only have other queens been informed, but so has my community and I pray soon, the world... I have talked about my experience as a survivor so much that I figured that was how people would think of and remember me... a survivor...

Well, not so. People heard me, but saw that I am very thin. I have shared that the abuse almost caused my death, caused me to become depressed for many years, caused divisions in my family, caused me the genuine mother-daughter relationship I longed for throughout my life... I almost died because I blamed myself for something I could not control: a grown-tale, pastor who was also a member of my family. Now, it seems I am being blamed, again, for something I cannot control... However, I am not blaming myself... others are blaming me without knowing me. It seems that the only lasting memory I was able to leave in the minds of many in the pageant world was my weight. (????) I am just thankful be alive!!

I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I am not perfect. Neither is the person reading this blog entry. But, what you will never hear me say to the person reading this blog entry is why you are not perfect... because I already know the answer. God made us in His image--not EXACTLY like Him. Therefore, we cannot be perfect. The One perfect being is not physically visible... and we have no idea what dress size He is either!

What I do know is that I serve a great, big wonderful God! I strive to be just like Him by attempting to have a great, big wonderful heart for others... I enjoy seeing others smile and laugh and I find this is sometimes my only goal when I make new "friends"....

To my real friends... you already know how many times and how much I eat in a day... My high school friends know that I have been the same size since the 9th grade... I am 28 now--and still going strong!

My beautiful husband, Mardis, told me keep posting my pictures and realize that I am a true queen, whether I wear a crown or not, because of my integrity and willingness to uplift others, even if others attempt to tear me down. I am touched that he cared... He also told me to sing Maino's song to the untrustworthy... "YOU SEE ME? HI HATERS!" (This song is so old now! LOL!)